Guilt..

This week is half term, and I have booked the week off to spend with the kids. I had been a stay at home mom for 14 years and took all the time that we spent together a bit for granted. When my youngest Lauren started pre-school I started volunteering for the Citizens Advice twice a week to fill some of the child-free time because lets be fair there's only so much housework one person can do, but also I had my children young, I was 17 when I had Julien and I was getting to the point in my life where I wanted to start and look at what I was going to do with the rest of my life when they were grown up and gone. This volunteering position swiftly became a paid position within the organisation after 8 months, but it was flexible and usually still within school hours. However a few months ago I started working full time 9-5, and since then all I feel is guilt. Let me explain. I feel guilt that I am not able to make it to all the school stuff anymore, I had never missed a harvest festival before... (don't get me wrong, I didn't always want to be at these things but I knew that the kids would appreciate seeing my face in the crowd so I made the effort), but now I have to plan if I am going to be able to attend any school event or function and I am not going to lie foresight and planning in my personal life is not one of my strengths.. I forget a lot of stuff and drop the ball more than I should, it has been known for a kid to show up to school in uniform on a mufti day (Non Uniform Day for those not in the know) but God Dammit if I am not trying...

But the guilt doesn't stop there. My training is an important part of my life, I know many of us can relate but to me being able to exercise in the ways I do helps me manage the pressures of life as well as the pain and fatigue from my conditions I have. I work with vulnerable people everyday and at times in a high pressure environment in a rather sedentary office at times, all of this means that come the evening I am usually ready and willing to go to the gym to burn off some steam or throw on my trainers and go for run... but this again takes time.. time away from my kids again, more time I am out of the house not cooking or cleaning, more time away from my husband who at times I see very little of because our work patterns sometimes conflict, and it's time away from my friends some of whom I used to see everyday, and now I only see on the weekends and when the rest of the schedule allows and it sucks and I feel bad... Guilt.

Equally I feel guilt when I don't go training...As well as for my mental health my journey to weight loss didn't stop when the scale read a number I was happy with, it's a never ending journey.. I have the kind of metabolism that a prize pig would be jealous of... I put weight on if I am even in the same room as a cake, but I am a girl who loves food and cake... and there's nothing wrong with that, but there has to be a balance. I didn't lose weight with some crazy diet of restriction and misery, I lost weight by finding healthy eating habits and being active. It's fine to have treats, but then you need to put the work in.. Except when your working in an office, sitting on your butt all day, surrounded by cake and cookies and find yourself nibbling on them throughout the day just to maintain enough mental energy to cope with the barrage of issues flying at you.. Then you get home and you have to make dinner, and do reading with the kids, and bath time and oh yeah remember that Egyptian Death mask homework that was set 3 weeks ago that we haven't done yet and it's due tomorrow.. so there are times that training is the last thing in the world that I want to do or can do or I am just too tired from the day or even more frustrating is when I want to train but I am injured

(Which is something that is becoming more and more common with me at the moment).... Queue The Guilt... suddenly all the cookie's come haunting me.?? Now I know that may seem neurotic to those reading this, and that's fair because it probably is I should be able to let go and eat and be free and there are some days I do, but there are also those darker days where my anxiety gets the better of me and I just feel guilty... like I am going to put all the weight back and I feel a failure...

And then I get the other kinds of guilt, I have people say to me when I am at races or other events.. Doesn't your husband mind you doing all this? or "awe isn't Brian good for having the kids while you run a race" Now I know that I am always conscious of my family and things they have going on or things we want to do as a family, but from the outside it is perceived that I am always out doing something without them, but I also know that they are his children too and why do we make Mom's feel bad for spending time away from their homes and families to do something for themselves when we do not do the same for Dad's?? I know that I am a better person and Mom when I have been able to go for a run, out on my bike or go to Body Pump, because it makes me feel good, and when I feel good then I can be better and do better at home... But I won't lie I go home and feel Guilt.. What if those people have a point.. Maybe I am being selfish and maybe I should be at home??

You might be reading this and wonder, what the hell is she getting at, what is the point of this rambling on??

I just wanted to say your not alone, when your feeling like your failing and nothing is going right. When you have had too many cookies and you haven't done a single step all week.. When you send your kid to school and forget that it was a dressing up day and they are only one not dressed up... your not alone. I know many people follow me on social media and I have had so much positivity thrown my way.. People have been so kind to me and said I am an inspiration to them and that they are amazed at my achievements... but I wanted to show you that we all go through these battles and that what you see on the outside is only the tip of the iceberg. I myself am guilty of this. I look at what other people are achieving and feel inadequate and not always with races or performance but also as a mother, wife and friend.

So I am going to learn to be kinder to myself, and I hope that if you are reading this and if any of it resonated with you that you learn to be kinder to yourself too. Looking forward to training for IronMan Austria I am going to put together a schedule, one that I hope will be more balanced than it has been in past, I am hoping that by trying to organise myself a bit more that I can help myself be more forgiving towards myself, because I am only one person, but also I need to learn to be more flexible with my forgiveness.

Lastly also keep talking, no matter how busy we get we need to make sure we keep talking.. NO one has to face things alone.