Out of the Darkness.. Find your Light

I found out that my step-grandmother died a few weeks ago and I didn't know. This for me was a bittersweet moment as it made me feel conflicted, sad that a person who was a part of my life at one time had died, but also it made me remember how removed I am from my family in Canada, and also the reasons why that is in certain cases.

Not many people will know some of the darker aspects of my past, they know me as I am now and rarely do I speak of where I have come from other than a few passing comments, or at times I have divulged more but as a coping mechanism I am quite dissociative.

I know that it can be uncomfortable for those around me to talk about or even know about various events that have happened in the course of my life, I have never wanted to talk about it and have always been happy to go about my life without ever really acknowledging how it has affected me in the long run.

Many of you will know about my sister Stephanie who sadly took her life when she was 15 years old and I Was 10, It upsets me that at this point in my life I remember very little about her, now only snapshots of moments in time exist this is usually through photos or stories I have heard over and over. Her death has been such a defining part of my life, it is this fact that makes me acutely aware of mental health and the battles many of us face.. battles I myself have faced and continue to face. When I was a teenager I was abused by multiple adult family members abused emotionally, mentally and sexually.. I never thought I had been impacted by that abuse, but I know now that I have, and always will be.

When I was younger my school reports would often describe me as outgoing, fun and having a bubbly personality. All attributes that I myself would classify as positive. However as I have gone through my adult life I at times often feel anxious because of these attributes. I often have felt ashamed or embarrassed by who I am. I often feel as though I am an annoyance to people or a burden. I often find if I have been out with people, or even sometimes in my work environment I will have quiet moments where suddenly I will wonder if I am too much for people, or if they find me "irritating". It has been something that I have actively had to work on, constantly reassuring myself that I am not going to be everyone's cup of tea and that is ok. I used to want to be liked by everyone, and if they didn't like me or we didn't hit it off I would wonder what I had done wrong. It is definitely a work in progress, but one thing that has helped me overcome this is my sports and my goals. By focusing on my goals and achieving things I once thought impossible I have learned to not only like myself for who I am, but also love myself for where I have been and how I got here. Don't get me wrong, I still get anxious and feel as though I am always doing something wrong, or I am just not as good as everyone else but I am aware of it and I work through it where as when I was younger, I couldn't identify this and I would spiral into a pit of sadness and often anger. Also interestingly enough I identified that what I watch on T.V had a direct impact of my emotions, programs with high emotional drama like Coronation Street or Eastenders often left me feeling overly emotional and had a direct impact on my mental health in a very negative way, knowing these triggers for me exist and how that feels has helped me manage my mental health better and now I just avoid those types of triggers.

I have 4 beautiful children, 3 sons and 1 daughter. I had my first child when I was 17, where I come from in southern Alberta being raised in a Roman Catholic family having a baby when your 17 is not the norm and I was made to feel ashamed. I remember my first scan with Julien, I remember seeing my baby and feeling so in love and happy but I also remember being with my step mother and feeling like I don't dare let on that I was happy because this was not something that was to be celebrated...My son's father emmigrated to England the summer I Was pregnant with him, and I spent most of my pregnancy with him homeless and sofa surfing with friends. in the final months of my pregnancy I was allowed to come back home to live with my father and his wife, who at that point had a toddler son of their own. I was to care for him while they worked and this was me paying my way. This was a challenge, caring for a toddler who wasn't yours and navigating being a new teen mother at the same time. There is not a lot I remember from that time but I do remember the overwhelming exhaustion and incredible isolation. My now ex husband returned from England for a week allowing us to get married and enabling him to meet his week old son, and then he returned to England where 5 months later we were able to join him. But sadly I had changed in this time apart, I had to and our relationship was never the same.I often feel guilty about my first marriage, as I was still incredibly traumatised during that time because of the life I had had up to that point, all the while trying to learn how to be a mother and frankly an adult at the same time as living in a new country with no family or friends. My first husband has always been the person he is, but I have undergone many changes on my path to finding who I am today, and sadly this meant that we just were not compatible. I often talk to the boys about my time with their father, as though we are very different people I still do have many fond memories of my time with him.

I always felt that I had escaped unscathed when it came to the abuse I suffered in my younger years, I know now that I did not. Emotionally I think I compensated with my children especially the older two over the way I felt as a child, I always felt like I wasn't good enough and so I always made sure that I told my children how loved they were, and I made sure they knew I meant it. When it comes to the physical aspects of the abuse however it was only since welcoming my daughter into my life that I felt the reverberations of my past through her. Suddenly I felt overwhelmed with anxiety when I would see someone other than me change her nappy or see her without her clothes on, I have never let on to anyone that this is how I felt and it is only recently that I have been able to be honest about how I was feeling, because this was my baggage to carry and I didn't want to burden anyone else with this.

It is because of the fact that I was always being made to feel like I wasn't enough or that I wasn't good enough that I have had to work on my own self esteem and self worth so much. Exercise has had a massive part in that, helping me feel good both emotionally but also physically. The last couple of years has been hard for me in this regard as I have been experiencing some health conditions which have at times presented certain barriers in being able to exercise and even perform as

well as I think I should be able to. Those of you who are reading this and have every experienced an injury will be able to sympathise with the impact that this can have both physically in obvious ways but more importantly emotionally.

I have made great steps in moving forward and finding my true self and my true worth the last few years, sadly this has come with a cost. I made the incredibly difficult and heartbreaking decision to cut ties with my father who raised me. I identified that he was not a positive influence in my life nor would he be a welcome influence in my children's lives. It has taken me a very long

time to be able to find that strength, but I am so proud of myself for finally knowing that I deserved better. It might not sound a lot, but for someone who always sought approval from others being able to stand there and know I am good enough.. well that was big.

I take all this forward with me, never forgetting where I came from and the journey I have been on, but all the while knowing that's w

hy I keep pushing forward finding new strength each day for the challenges of life.. I will use this on Ironman, I will use that strength and I Will use that darkness and I Will continue to find the light!