The Offseason... up, down and all around...

My coach and I decided that November would be a month where I would rest, recover and reset. THANK GOODNESS..... However.....

I was enjoying it at first, I felt burnt out, mentally fatigued and need the break but slowly and surely I started to feel a little neurotic (as you do) about not training and having put on a little weight since Ironman and Boston Virtual Marathon. I am sure my less that stellar food choices in Canada may also have contributed to this as well but…..

Just as I was starting to get back to some thoughts of returning to training and planning my year next year with races and goals, I got sick- Thankfully not Covid, but whatever virus it was, it was horrific. 7 days later, and I am still super tired and headachey but slowly improving but it has really had an impact on my mental health and I have been feeling less than resilient and more than a little frustrated by this set back.

Its strange I didn't realise how much I had been training and how much of my life and thoughts have been about training until I stopped. Suddenly it became clear how much time had gone into the last 2 years training for Ironman particularly, obviously there were other events in the middle, but Ironman was the ultimate goal. Now that that's done, its a strange gap that's been left. It then struck me how selfish being an athlete can be, and how hard it is to feel like you have found the right balance between work, family and our sport.

I am now in this weird middle place, where my head is telling me I should get back to training but my heart hasn't quite caught up to my head and I am just not feeling it. I know a lot of people feel this way and yet I feel like I am so alone in this place. I know I am doing what I need to do, I know that rest is important both mentally and physically and that it is an important part of being an athlete and I am often telling others how important this is and yet I struggle.

I think the thing is once you have been on the kind of journey I have been with weight loss and trauma, when you find an outlet that helps you cope and focus, something that helps you manage those feelings of anxiety and stress and then you are forced to take a step back I have found that this is a particular kind of challenge mentally for me.

I know that this isn't like most of my posts where I am regaling you with tales of marathon disasters or Ironman glory, but I always want to be honest about me, my life and my feelings as that is the whole point of this blog and so I hope that by showing the darker side to any sport when you have to come away and take the rough with the smooth and admit when your struggling that it might be helpful to others to know they are not alone. To try and find your way back to what will give you joy again, to allow yourself to gain a couple of pounds, to stop thinking about how your going to squeeze every session in around work and family commitments and to find forgiveness for yourself when you feel like your letting yourself down by needing the time away.

I think the added struggle is that we are living in an age of social media perfection and FOMO. I myself have identified that I need to come away from social media but have never quite managed to quit altogether. What we must remind ourselves is that what we see is often the highlight reels to people's days and lives., race reports and PB's. You rarely see a post of people struggling, feeling worthless, anxious and just generally a bit shitty but this is what we need to know the most, we need to know we aren't alone because I know we aren't.

This also isn't limited to sport either, as a parent I often see things that make me feel like I am failing as a parent, or I should do more... Am I spending enough time with them, do I let them do too much online or do we do too little as a family? Have I Loved them enough, and do they know I love them? What about that time where this happened.... all what the if's, they're a killer!

Having children with additional needs compounds this anxiety because they require a different kind of attention and that not only impacts how we parent them specifically, but it then has a knock on effect to the rest of the family. We have definitely been struggling with this element a lot more recently. Those closest to me will know some of what has been going on and it has really highlighted some of my own personal baggage. This is where not being able to throw on my trainers and put on my music and run has been particularly difficult this last week. I just have to trust that it is all going to be ok, that we will get through this new challenge, but the nagging and intrusive thoughts are always there, the ever intruding mom guilt and the what if it just isn't enough?

I am working on it, all of it. I am sure some of you who might be reading this and might be able to resonate with this, others might read this and think "Good Lord what's wrong with her?" and that's ok I wonder the same thing all the time LOL. This blog was always intended to be an honest account of my journey to Ironman and beyond, sadly I didn't document the journey to leading up to Ironman very well. This was due in part to Covid and in part to the actual shit show that life was in the lead up to Ironman with regards to the fallout of Covid, lockdown and pandemic life in general, but now we are in the beyond I fully intend to try and be more present and part of that is writing here, reflecting and being honest, and if I am the only one who reads this then that's ok :) but... if I am not and someone reads this and relates and finds a bit of comfort or humour then that's what this is all about!